GENERAL DISCUSSION » JOKES AND ANECDOTES.

Tomorrow is April Fools Day. I seem to remember that years back we used to do a lot of legpulls and even the BBC got in on the act. do you remember the one Panorama did about the "spagetti farms" in I think Switzerland. People were well taken in by it I mean it was the BBC. I sometimes wonder how it all started.  What was the best april fools joke you played on someone or the most embarrassing one someone played on you?

                                                    "THE PAKISTAN EVENING NEWS"

                                                            SPORTS SECTION

                  Here are tomorrows cricket results.............................................

Johnny and Joe were talking one afternoon when Johnny tells Joe:

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii ... I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly didn't get pregnant again."

Joe asks Johnny, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Johnny says, "This year I'm taking Molly with me."

Rather poingnant, but still funny ........

*chuckles* -- I can picture it in my minds eye, nice one Fez

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:

"Mickey Minnie Pluto Huey Louie Dewey Donald Goofy Melbourne "

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

A man meets a woman in a club and she agrees to let him escort her home, only to be discomfitted by the sight of her bedroom walls being lined with shelves full of cuddly toys.

After sex he asks her "How did I do?"

She replies "Take anything from the bottom shelf."

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'You silly sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?

Not really - I spill most of it!

.....................................................................................

A man went to hospital with a steering wheel down his pants. The doctor whats that doing down there.

The man said "I don't know but its driving me nuts".

..............................................................................

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true!
She pressed 'control and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy, Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me.

This is a tribute to all the Grandmas and Grandpas who have been fearless and . ....

Learned to use the Computer.... .

They are the greatest!!!

FACT OR FICTION?

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London ... which used to have gallows adjacent. Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial of course) to be hung.

The horse drawn dray, carting the prisoner was accompanied by an armed guard, Who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''.

If he said YES it was referred to as "ONE FOR THE ROAD"

If he declined, that prisoner was "ON THE WAGON" So there you go...!!!


More history...

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.

If you had to do this to survive you were "PISS POOR". But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot they "DIDN'T HAVE A POT TO PISS IN" and were the lowest of the low. 

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."


Visibly shaken, Patty stared at the woman's lined face, then at the crystal, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.


She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

Will I be aquitted?

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.

Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.

.......................................................................................................

Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

.......................................................................................................

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

SEVERAL WORKERS SACKED FROM BLACKPOOL'S PLEASURE BEACH.

They are going to appeal because of funfair dismissal!

It's always good to start the day with a smile. Thanks Surferboy.

Man: Every time I stand up quickly I keep seeing Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy.
Doctor: How long have you been having these Disney spells?

...................................................................................

Woman: Doctor, doctor, I think I’ve lost my memory.
Doctor: When did that start?
Woman: When did what start?

............................................................................................

Doctor, Doctor...I keep seeing double!
PLease sit on that couch!
Which one???

..............................................................................................

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute." Startled, she asked him, "What happened to 'beautiful?'" He replied, "The drugs are wearing off."  

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is
61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Dear friends,

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap'n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he -- even still, as a crusty old man -- was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

God, and the devil were each having a holiday in hyper-space.  The topic of conversation turned to who could turn out the best football team.  Much to the God's surprise the devil proposed a football match to settle their dispute.

As God was leaving he said to the devil, 'Don't you realise that all the 'good' players go to heaven?"

The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"

Memory Man

Robbie, the Scouser is touring America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Montana. He's chatting to the barman when he sees an old native American sitting in a corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and wrinkles.

'Who's he?' enquires Robbie.
'That's the Memory Man,' responds the barman. 'He knows everything. He can remember any sporting fact. Go and try him out.'

So Robbie wanders over and asks, 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'
'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man.

Robbie is flabbergasted.
'Who did they beat?'

'Leeds,' is the reply.' And the score?'
'2-1.'

Amazed but not totally convinced Robbie Dave tries something more specific.
'Who scored the winning goal?'

Without blinking the native American replies, 'Ian St John.'

Robbie, the Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man.

Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to America. After weeks of searching through the towns of Montana, Dave Robbie, the Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the old man in his traditional native tongue, 'How.'

The Memory Man squints at Robbie and says, 'Diving header in the six-yard box.'

Yes if this were only a joke.....

Unemployed people living in council homes could be offered incentives to move to areas where there are jobs, the work and pensions secretary has said.

Iain Duncan Smith said millions were "trapped in estates were there is no work", unable to move for fear of losing their right to a home.

He told the Sunday Telegraph the system must be more flexible, but did not give a clear commitment to rehouse workers.

And exactly who moves into the houses they've left may I ask?

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol- Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service.

A man owned a small farm on Barton Moss. HM Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!", demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ...the halfwit!" said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

Wife asks husband,

"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies,

"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."



Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM

YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT UP.

SEDATED HORSE FALLS ASLEEP ON TOP OF DEVON VET!( I've not made this up)

A vet was rescued in Devon after becoming trapped under a sedated horse.

The Crediton vet was called to a farm near Hillerton Cross, Bow, after the horse had become stuck in the fence.

Devon and Somerset Fire Service was called on Saturday night and found the heavily sedated horse had fallen asleep on top of the vet, trapping her.

Firefighters freed the woman from underneath the horse and released the animal from the fence. The vet was not injured in the incident.

I WISH I HAD A PICTURE.

You were driving too close then!

True fact.

On my way back today from a weekend in Nottinghamshire I was driving behind a car with the registration plate K15S AS.

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

I was recently riding with a friend of mine.

We were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives.

We come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" Again, he tells me this is how his brother drives.

We come to a green light, and he SLAMS on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shouted at him, "Why do you do that?!"
He replied, "You never know, my brother could be coming the other way."

Don't believe everything you read in the papers Fez, usually when I am towing I average 60mph. There are people who tow caravans who are totally oblivious to other road users but you don't have to have a caravan to belong to that category.  I am always aware of traffic behind and do my best to allow quicker vehicles to pass. Those who don't are simply selfish b----rds.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the night.

THIS ONE IS FOR MELDREW.

Two slugs were slithering along the pavement. They went round a corner and got stuck behind two snails.

"Oh No" said one. "Caravans"

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol- Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service.

What did the scientist say when she discovered a wildcat thought to be extinct? Answer: "I've found the missing lynx

What one-horned animal asks questions? Answer: A why-nocerious.

When do bears go to the hospital? Answer: When they have a-panda-citis.

A man and a woman are having dinner in a restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, spots that the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. As the waitress watches, the man slides all the way under and out of sight. Still, the woman dining opposite him appears not to notice. Finally, the waitress comes over to the table and whispers discreetly to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." "No, he didn't," the woman calmly replies. "He just walked in the door."

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the misbehaving that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?


Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either....

"Warning: If any of you get an email telling you it is possible to catch swine flu from tinned pork please delete it as it is spam!"

The government is sneaky. They raise the tax on alcohol, then make sure that the country is in such a mess that you drink more.

Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.

During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left the country.

Just remember.....

The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

Daddy , how was I born A little boy goes to his father and asks ' Daddy , how was I born ?'

The father answers, 'Well, son , I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo . Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe . We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There yourmother agreed to a download from my hard drive . As soon as I was ready to upload , we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall , and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


'You got Male!

I still can't understand why your bins need emptying if you are away for 4 weeks Surferboy. Surely there will be nothing in them.

I see Sparky fell for the joke. Did you not look at the heading JOKES AND ANECDOTES? Won the prize...I wish!

Yeah Surfer and when you've "bin" there and come back your bin will still be there.

Congratulations SurferBoy. It's good to hear a bit of good news. You enjo yourself out there.

Are any of you free in July?

You'll never believe it but I've just won an all expenses paid trip to the World Cup finals via a competition on Talk sport Radio. It's for me and 3 mates, 4 weeks all inclusive in South Africa with £5,000 spending money. Flights leave from Gatwick on 10th June so if any of you are free would you put my bins out for me?

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A young man strides into a chemist and asks for a packet of condoms. The pharmacist replies: 'They come in packs of three, nine, or 12. Which would you like?' 'Well,' the young man begins confidently, 'I've been seeing this girl and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going away for the weekend. Once she has seen what I'm like in the sack, I reckon she'll want me all the time. So you'd better give me a packet of 12.' The pharmacist hands over the condoms, and the young man leaves, all puffed up and proud. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. Before they begin, however, he suddenly asks if they can say grace. The family agrees, but is taken aback when the young man continues praying silently for several minutes, once the grace has finished. Eventually, his girlfriend leans over and whispers, 'You never told me you were so religious.' The young man leans back and whispers, 'You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.'

David Blaine the American illusionist and endurance artist  best known for his high-profile feats of endurance was gutted to hear that his record of 48 days in the box doing absolutely nothing has been broken by Dimitar Berbatov!

A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'

Excellent. I'll have to explain it to my sister in law. (She's blonde!)

The Blind Cowboy By David Walker


By mistake, an old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, considering that you are blind and all, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"


The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"

He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"!

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any underwear...."

The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am wearing underwear!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

Here's another from my cousin Trisha(she was called after me so hence the Trisha, I was called Tricia(Treesha)in Australia. I am her godmother.

Naughty but if you don't laugh - well let me know.

I try to only send stuff that makes me laugh out loud...this is one of 'em!

 Ear Infection

This is so true! 

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. 

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.  '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. 

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. 

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh - Yes I did. Fez. Soooo much truth in it.

Here's another one one from Tilly. Willow you will love this one!

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. 

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. 

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. 

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." 

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" 

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain..."


The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. 

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 

"Why is the male brain so much more?" 

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used." 


SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

That's the one Sparky. It worked OK when I tested it but I have redone it now. Thanks Sparky.

I had a little trouble with the link!

Was this the link Fez

http://terrisfp1.com/holidays/chick.html  or  CLICK HERE

Here's an easter Greeting from Tilly in Australia. You've got to see it! Turn your speakers on and click  HAPPY EASTER.

THANKS TILLY

Paddy the middleweight champion boxer of Ireland goes for his annual medical. The doctor hands over his report to his trainer who tells Paddy "You've got 'Sugar' Diabetes."

"Great" says Paddy, "Am I fighting him in Dublin or Las Vegas!" 

COULD THIS BE IRISH ALZHEIMERS? Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.",

That is brilliant Fez - now I know what is waking me up in the middle of the night.

Look what happens when you forget to shut it down.

 When you go to bed at night and forget to 'shut down' your computer, I think you ought to know what actually goes on.

It's 2 a.m. and do you know where your icons are and what they are doing? 

 CLICK HERE AND BE SURE YOUR SOUND IS ON

When I put  the cat story on to-night, therre were some pictures that it didn't print and I just had squares so I tried to make them smaller with the side arrow things. That didn't work and I got annoyed with it and pressed the erase button. That got rid of it. Now I have learnt something else. Who was it said you can't teach an old dog new tricks. You can this one. The more themerrier.

The Woolworths' Cat.

A  blonde was  whipper-snipping  her yard and
accidentally  cut off the tail  of  her cat,
which  was hiding  in the  grass.  
She  rushed her cat, along with the tail  over  

To  Woolworths!  
 Why  Woolworths?  

HELLOOOOOOOOO!  

Woolworths  is  the largest  retailer in  Australia.!!!  

Aussieland again.

       A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through
Her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then Handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop"
 

   

What if Jesus returned

Fixed to a wall in Liverpool in the mid-1960's was a Baptist poster which read, "What would you do if Jesus returned among us?"

Underneath the poster someone had written, "Move St. John to inside left."

The inter-faith game

A group of Catholic priests were due to play a group of rabbis in an important inter-faith game. A few days before the match, disaster struck. The Catholic team's star player broke his ankle and the doctor said he wouldn't be able to play again for at least two months.

"What are we going to do? moaned Father Durnford.

"Well," said Father Thomas, "it so happens that Didier Drogba is a good friend of mine. We could ask him to play for us."

"But that wouldn't be ethical, now would it?" said Father Durnford.

"No, but if we called him Father Drogba, on a visit from Africa no one need know," replied Father Thomas.

Eventually Father Durnford agreed to let this devious plan go ahead but then, as luck would have it, he was suddenly called away on official Church business and was unable to watch the match. As soon as he could, he phoned Father Thomas for the result.

"I'm afraid they beat us, five-one," said Father Thomas.

"But how could that happen?" queried Father Durnford. "We had Father Drogba in our team."

"Yes," said Father Thomas, "but they had Rabbi Rooney and Rabbi Tevez playing for them."

Meldrew ......... Brilliant joke, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,!!!. I like it ... very much!

And another one for St. Patrick's day :-

'O'Toole and his wife are in bed one night and they hear the neighbour's dog is barking its head off in the garden. Somewhat disturbed by the noise, O'Toole explodes, 'Botheration and that!' and storms off downstairs.

He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, 'What did you do, O'Toole?'

O'Toole replies with a wide grin, 'I've put the dog in our garden so I did, now let's see how they like it.'

Nice ones Willow!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:


ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little b......!

Just in time for St. Pat's Night(with apologies to all irishmen)

From Australia again. My cousin.

> Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking
> like he'd just been run over by a train.
> His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and
> he's walking with a limp.
> "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
> "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
> " That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
> must have had something in his hand."
> "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
> lickin' he gave me with it."
> "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
> something in your hand?"
> "That I did," said Paddy.
> "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a
> fight."
   
*********************** 

> An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
> city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
> A cop pulls him over.
> "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
> "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
> "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
> evening."
> " I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
> "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
> across his chest, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
> your car?"
> "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
> "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
> 
 
***********************
> 
> Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
> at her door.
> "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
> "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
> husband?"
> "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
> There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
> "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
> "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
> Finally, she looked up at Tim.."How did it happen, Tim?"
> "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
> "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least
> go quickly?"
> "Well, Brenda...no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
>
> ********************** 

> Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service,
> and she's in tears.
> He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
> She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away
> last night."
> The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
> any last requests?"
> She says, "That he did, Father."
> The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
> She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
>
>
> ******************************
>
> AND THE BEST FOR L AST
>
> A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
> down, but says nothing.
>
>
> The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues
> to sit there.
>
>
> Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
>
>
> The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
> either!"
>

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'


The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that.. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

So true bebe, so true. I loved the bras ones. I was wondering what name that assistant would give to a Wonderbra and do you remember the inflatable ones. Can't think of a good name for those, except maybe Methodists. There's a method these days of dealing with everything. I had one once because in my youth I was extremely slim and didn't have much up top. The only snag was, needless to say, one side popped and as, at the time I worked with 40 men and just one other girl, it was rather embarrassing.

Not so long since, some friends and I went to a fancy dress do and my pal who is quite slight decided to go as Dolly Parton. We got a dress in a charity shop and it was beautiful. We also got a wig and someone lent us a Dolly Parton bra which had to be blown up. So Josie put it on and two of us, no longer having any puff of our own,  blew it up with those cardboard balloon bloweruppers. It was hilarious. No way could we get both sides to match. She looked great anyway. Glad(ys) went as a ladies' maid with a very short skirt(she still has good legs at 82)and I went as a twenties flapper. We had a great time.  Life can still be fun if you let it. 

A man walked into the ladies dept; at Debenhams and shyly says to the sales lady behind the counter I would like to buy a bra for my wife, what type of bra asked the sales lady, type?asked the man, well there's more than one type look around you, as she showed him theres every shape ,size,colour and material that you can imagine..actually theres relly only four types to choose from,to which the man asked what types there were, the sales lady replied,

1-there's the catholic type's which support the masses

2-the salvation army type which support the fallen.

3-the presbyterian type which keeps them upright and staunch.

4-the baptist type which makes mountains out of molehills.

Have you ever wondered why the letters A.B.C.D.DD.E.F.G.M define the bra sizes?but couldn,t figure out what they stood for well its about time you became informed,

A-almost there

B-barely there

C-cant complain

D-dang

DD- double dang

E-enormous

F-fake

G-get a reduction

H-help me Iv,e fallen and cant get up.

Theres also  German one called stoppenfloppentitsum.

Well I think I've got all that to come Willow. The forgetting bit doesn't sound too bad but can we carry on being selective about it and just forgetting the things that are best forgotten? I'm sure we all have plenty of those.

This is from Salford City Radio. How vey true. I hope I haven't fogotten what I did with it.

 
Forgetter Be Forgotten?
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke 
For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the heck was that?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

CAN YOU RELATE??? 

 Willow well done for figuring out how to adjust things. Here's another from Salfordonline.

A blonde is in the airport with two sacks over her shoulder when she is stopped by Customs.

They search the sacks and find loads of mobile phones in them.
A Customs officer asks why she has all these phones.

The blonde replies, "Well, while I was in America I got a phone call from my boyfriend. He told me that that he is going to start up a jazz band and could I bring him two saxophones."

Bien. Je suis ici encore. J'ai la trouve. AND it came on with big spaces and usually I ask Sparky to put it right but he's not in so I had a twiddle and did it myself. Willow is getting to be a clever girl. Applause all round please.

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell
of a hurry.! I have two buddies sitting out in my
car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about
the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done
with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best
golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't
have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

 
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this
is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth
pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asked   him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your
mouth Honey, and show him"

This is just one I thought you might like, but still in the fight. Being a woman, I have been very busy over the last few days, school holidays- minding grandchildren(Dad, though on leave from Iraq, panicked at the thought of two all day). I must also say that this man is 6ft 5ins. tall with shoulders like an ox but he's sill scared of two lovely little kids on his own. He shouts and gives orders and they switch off and carry on with what they are doing.  Me I just end up shattered but tehy do as I say. They have learnt that my punishments are hard to bear and always carried out to the letter and it doesn't include spanking bums.

 Then, of course having a busy social life there was a big party Saturday night and then I went dancing Sunday night after doing washing and cleaning all day. Now totally shattered - not my age, please understand, though it does take longer - just hard work. As said before, looking after the kids means tidying up first so I can put my feet squarely on the floor without falling(and maybe breaking my hip). They seem to have  policy of where it lands is where it goes. No wonder he went to see his Mother. Sometime this week, I shall go through my emails and get out some for you. By the way, are there no other ladies prepared to fight the good fight?

Oh heck computer packed up earlier and I have lost it. Will just go and find it.

Q - Why do women get married in white?

A - Standard colour for kitchen appliances.

and

Q - Why do women have smaller feet than men?

A - So that they can get closer to the kitchen sink.

At a wedding I attended some time ago the bride (who had a terrible memory) was concerned that she might forget the order of the ceremony. She said to herself that she had to walk down the AISLE, stand at the ALTAR and then sing a HYMN. As she walked down the aisle she muttered quietly to herself AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN - AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN.

Needless to say her mutterings were misunderstood by those members of the congregation who overheard her - or were they.

Come on Willow, respond please.

Willow you'll like these??

Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Wee Hughie adored and loved his girlfriend, Lorraine, to whom he was engaged to be married. Wedding plans were well underway and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his lfe with Lorraine.

However, a beutiful young lady, called Clearly, came to work in his glen and they found that they got on together very well and as time went by, Wee Hughie realised that he was in love with Clearly and that the Love was reciprocated.

Being a gentleman he decided that as he had promised to marry Lorraine he would do so and steadily removed himself from his other relationship.

One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the River Tay. As they walked, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and was swept away and drowned.
He stood on the bank for a few minutes feeling very sad before walking away singing happily.

And this is what he sang.

"I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone"

After much very serious consideration, you boys, I think someone has been having a go at lady drivers. Upto now, I have been good. I shall now put all the 'stupid men' jokes on here that are on my emails and get my own back. By the way, there are loads of them. You can only find one. Ladies - to War. Let 'em have it!

paddy had the following password at work, micky,minnie,pluto,huey,louie,dewy,donald,goofy and dublin...when his boss asked him why he replied, be jezus! aree you stupid shoe oi was told me password had to be at least eight characters long and include one capital.

What do you call an MP who doesn't fiddle his expenses?

Retired.

THE REAL CAUSE OF GLOBAL WARMING.

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'

Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

This is from Salfordonline, you can see a lot more good ones on there by clicking HERE.

Gotta Love Old People Thanks to the Claphams for this one!

4 old mischievous Grandma's were sitting at a table in a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandma's said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandma's asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison--'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE  

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. 

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. 

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.' 

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE: 
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.. 
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up. 
7. Drive off. 

****************************

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 
8. Insert card. 
9. Re-insert card the right way. 
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 
11. Enter PIN. 
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup. 
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card. 
22.. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 
25. Redial person on mobile.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 
27. Release Parking Brake.

We Must Stop This Immediately

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!


And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?


I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.


I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!


Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the highway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror..


Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?


I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:

MPs' expenses...Now when's that election?

TORY MP Graham Brady splashed out tax payers' money on luxury kitchen ware.

The Altrincham and Sale West MP submitted receipts for a £10 milk frother, £11.99 on a 'handy blowtorch' (I always carry one around in my back pocket, how about you?) and £3 on a pizza cutter and 89p on a chive plant (to sprinkle on the pizza no doubt).

He also purchased several bags of BBQ charcoal on expenses.

SHADOW Chancellor George Osborne forked out £40 on DVDs of himself debating value for taxpayers' money. (Talk about a big ego!)

VETERAN Labour MP Sir Gerald Kaufman bought a pair of crystal grapefruit bowls for £220 on his expenses. (Give him some credit now. He bought the grapefruits out of his own money!)

Sir Gerald also charged the taxpayer £225 for a rollerball pen. (To make his expense form look neat)And when asked to explain what he admits are a `bizarre-sounding' series of expense claims he blamed `self-diagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder' for some of his purchases. (I'd call it greed!)

Hazel Blears was a target for criticism from the Prime Minister and senior members of Salford council for avoiding a capital gains tax bill of more than £13,000 on the sale of a flat in London. She later offered to repay the money. (Which she did. You can't smear our Hazel!)

Patient. "Doctor I've got a strawberry in my ear"

Doctor. "I've got a cream for that"

Beebie sent us this one while I was hibernating in Hope. Sorry to be late with it Beebie.

A female Social Worker in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long  . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says, again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks you madam," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. .. that little bastard's name is Steve."

I wouldn't worry too much Willow, if they really need to find you they will.

When at the age of 70 I had to renew my driving licence it arrived with my signature and photograph on it although I made the application on-line without either signature or a picture.

And I thought that George Orwells' "1984" was a work of fiction.

I don't know which section to put this in but I really thought it would appeal to Sparky and Meldrew. It's funny and it really made me laugh, but it's not a joke or an anecdote. It's about the present day but not 'In the News'. Still, it is funny. Hope you two enjoy it as much as I did.

This was actually taken from a passport application and a member of staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day.

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my license or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologize Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally fed up!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defense in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN....

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

A man in the bar tells his mate his wife as left him. "Why's that?" he asks.

He Replies "She says all I think about is football and shes had enough of it"

"What a shame" says his pal, "How long have you been together?"

"12 seasons!" he replies.

I loved this. I think I will try it. We have been told to exercise.

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

THE HUMAN BODY:

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.  
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's  unmentionable is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.


Men are still busy checking their thumbs.   

Fez. I like it, I like it, I like it. Why didn't I think of that, only he didn't play golf. I am with the all women jury. He sat on it quite unintentionally not expecting it to be there as Susie always moved it and he was too darned lazy to stand up and move.  As always, using the mallet, she helped him to sit down more comfortably. A girl after my own heart.

No my fella was a love. Even if he couldn't see, he did the hoovering, the ironing and the cooking. I got used to more muck on the floor when I came in than was there when I went out, grey potato mash and iron marks on my best undies and when he made his famous apple pie, the pale green wall had a white flowered effect and the floor.  Well, he was trying, wasn't he? Very. (By the way, that's true.)

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider This.

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am , regardless of their medical condition This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struc k 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Beebie sent this through the HOS email, it's good but you must read it to the end. thanks Beebie and sorry for being late with it but I have been offline for a few days.

Hi Willow, you're right the link to SANTA no longer works and not even directly from Tillys email so I have removed the link from the post. I don't know why this has happened and it is a shame you missed it, it was a cracker.

If anyone else comes across links that don't work or are faulty please let me know as it is important that we keep the site up to date. Thanks Fez.

Hello Fez. I clicked on Santa - Tilly's message but it said it couldn't find the site and to try 'Search', which I did. As it gave me 10 pages of answers with more to follow, I gave up before I started. Do you know why I couldn't get through?

Here's another from the same source;

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.  The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. 
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. 
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. 
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. 
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. 
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his   current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband. 
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.   
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.   
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. 
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.  He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." 
- "Did you dance much ?" 
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

Now the New Year is nearly upon us, and spring just around the corner thoughts may take a turn in a more amorous direction....

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000" he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

(This joke was forwarded to me by Willow the other day)

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost

WORDS OF WISDOM FROM CHILDREN.

1.. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?"
don't answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your
school assignment - Traci, 14

10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12

Hi SteveT. Great joke,keep them coming, we all need a good laugh in the "bleak midwinter" I hope you are keeping well. Are you all geared up for Christmas?

2 oldies in a nursing home decide to take things a bit further in thier relationship,George 84 asks Madge 80 what she likes in a relationship? & she replies a romantic walk, a nice cuddle in front of the fire & a romantic dinner. What about sex? asked George,Madge replied,  Well I like it infrequently. Is that 1 word or 2 asked George. 

ONce again tilly sends us a Christmas cracker. Just click the link below and make sure you type a name in when prompted, it can be any name.

I'm sorry but the link no longer works and I can't trace the original site. But once again Tilly thanks for the laughs.

What a brilliant list of jokes from Tilly in Austria.

Is our government going to give them a pardon now that they have got a sense of humour that is almost as dry as their outback!

THIS IS ANOTHER GREAT LAUGH FROM OUR FRIEND TILLY!

These Questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
__________________________________________________



> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
>
> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

> A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
>
> A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)

> A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

> A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ...
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
> ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
>
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
> A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
> Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
> A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
> Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
> All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA )
>
> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
> You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
> Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France )
>
> A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
>
> A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Did you hear...Tiger woods hit a fire hydrant the other day in his Escalade?? 

Yeah its not his fault....his caddy did scream "Playing through" 

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Charles had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Charles even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that......... Charles was too tired.'

God is good

FOR TILLY and STEVE T

Top Joke in Australia

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that
he wanted to get married.

His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the
girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from
the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son,
''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The
girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.''

The young man again brought three more names to his
father but ended up frustrated because the response was
still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother.
''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that
I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.''

His mother smiling said to him,
''Don't worry my son, you can marry any of
those girls. You're not his son.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards

Here's the man Willow. I told you he's fine now except for these few side effects.

Willow, SB's joke about the Zebra blood --- here's another clue --- zebra stripes could look very similar to something that is on the packaging of most goods in the supermarket these days .......

I like it. I'd like to know the anwer to that one too. Any ideas?

Other blood transfusion jokes...... ducks blood will turn you quackers, horses will give you the trots, camels make you irriatable and give you the hump etc etc

I have just received this nice little ditty from a friend of mine that i thought you might like.

SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze..
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

Surfer, I finally got the joke about the zebra blood but it was the reply from Sparky that triggered my moment of enlightenment and laughter!

.... and does the shop produce his twin every Wednesday when they have the two for one offer running?

If wer'e having medical jokes have you heard about the man who had a revolutionary transfusion of zebras blood. It completely cured his condition but every time he goes anywhere near a checkout till it spurts out a bill for £7-86!

Tilly from HeartNET in Australia sent us this one. It's good to hear from you again Tilly and once again you have sent us a good laugh.

A Cardiologist's Funeral

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his
coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.

It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynecologist."

Here's 3 and 4. (Not too naughty.)

3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General

This is a series of true hospital stories. There are 10. first two coming up.

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow


2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'.  I instructed..

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath

Nice! I like that one Meldrew.

Heard the one about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac - he used to lie awake all night wondering if there was a dog.

Nice one Meldrew.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"

Europe decided it didn't want Tony Blair as President after all. They realised that just to pay for his inauguration speech they would have to sell Belgium!

SING A SONG OF PARLIAMENT.

Sing a song of Parliament,
Pockets full of cash,
Fraudulently claiming
And adding to their stash.
With their ploy discovered
They said they’d give it back.
If you or I had done the same
We'd promptly get the sack!


Sing a song of freebies,
Snouts all in the trough.
Giving back their ill got gains
Is just not good enough.
Sponging off our earnings
With a likely tale,
If working folk had done the same
They'd soon end up in jail.


Sing a song of fraudsters
Counting out their money.
They smile and look quite unashamed,
As though they think its funny.
Sitting in a secret place,
Counting out their dosh,
On plugs for baths and cleaning moats,

For crisps and orange squash.

Sing a song of MP’s
Who took us for a ride.
It's up to us election time
Their future to decide.
It's gone too far to bring back trust
Of anyone in power.
To most of us they'll always be
A shifty, crooked shower!!

FROM SALFORDONLINE

Here's another!

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect,they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete...
L: I don't think you understand.. Do either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD  player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy  a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
'Polish Remover'.

Here's another. This friend sends me cheecky but in good taste. Hope you like it. If I am too naughty for you, you will have to tell me. Me, well, I just like a good laugh!

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs

>
> > > > A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
> > > > 'Of course. What may I do for you?'
> > > > 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
> > > > 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
> > > > 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
> > > > When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
> > > > The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?"
> > > > 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
> > > > The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And
 what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
> > > >
> > > > 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
> > > > Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. "NEXT"

In modern ligo -"He. He"> > >
 

Keep 'em coming Willow.

Fred, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days

later, the doctor saw Fred walking down the street with a gorgeous young

woman on his arm.  A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Fred and said,

'You're really doing great, aren't you?'  Fred replied, 'Just doing what you

said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''  The doctor said, 'I didn't say

that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself

slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.  After catching his breath, he ordered a

banana split.  The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'  'No,' he replied,

'Arthritis.'

Last two of that batch. am I safe to put on some more?

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque. 'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...



So I just switched the heads.'




(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!!)

Lovely Fez

One of the best I have read in a long time Fez.

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....


Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

Two more??

Three old guys are out walking.  The first one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'  The

second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'  The third one says, 'So am I. Let's go

get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me

four thousand dollars, but it is state of the art.  It's perfect.'  'Really,' answered

the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'  'Twelve thirty.'

Here's another two. If you get cheesed off with my daft jokes, tell me. Not too loud. Now I've worked out how you do it, there's no stopping me.

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman

already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted

he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.  After a chat about rules being

rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I

asked him if his wife was meeting him.  'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still

upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but

they might want to start writing things down to help them  remember.  Later

that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.  'Want

anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.  'Will you get me a bowl of ice

cream?'  'Sure.'  'Don't you think you should write it down so you can

remember it?' she asks.  'No, I can remember it.'  'Well, I'd like some

strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down so's not to forget

it?'  He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with

strawberries.'  'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that,

write it down?' she asks.  Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down,

I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got

it, for goodness sake!'  Then he toddles into the kitchen.   After about 20

minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate

of bacon and eggs.  She stares at the plate for a moment.  'Where's my toast ?'

Juast think Willow I may have all that still to come but just so long as we can still grin at it like I did with your jokes then "what the hell"

Here's two little ones.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under

a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and

I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'  'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the

wives left the table and went into the kitchen.  The two gentlemen were talking,

and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.

I would recommend it very highly.'  The other man said, 'What is the name of

the restaurant?'  The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is

the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.. The one

that's red and has thorns.'  'Do you mean a rose?'  'Yes, that's the one,' replied

the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the

name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Just had a batch of 'old people' jokes sent by one of the people I have met at expert Patients. You have to laugh. This is a mild one. Some are quite cheeky.

If you're not upset, let me know, I have some more. 

A new hearing aid. 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor had him fitted for a set

of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.  The elderly

gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your

hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and

listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

An Irishman told me this so don't get all politically correct with me . I apologise now if any of that race is offended.

"On Win A Millionaire"

"Mick for one million pounds Chris Tarrant says , which of these birds doesn't live in its own nest.....sparrow, cuckoo, magpie or blackbird?"

I haven't a clue Chris but I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back in Ireland."

Mick tells him the question and Paddy immediately says "The answer is "cuckoo". 100% certain, without a doubt, absolutely certain."

Right Chris I have absolute faith in Paddy and I say the answer is "cuckoo." 

Chris retorts "Congratulations Mick you've just won one million pounds!!!!!!"

A week later back in Ireland Mick holds a big booze up and party, walks over to Paddy and hands him an envelope. "There you are Paddy, there's a cheque in there enough to pay off your mortgage, go on a cruise, buy a flash new car and still have plenty of cash spare to enjoy yourself. " " How fantastic and lucky you are to be so brainy especially with a fantastic knowledge on birds."

"Oh it was nothing Paddy says Mick. I knew the answer without thinking twice, Everyone knows cuckoo's live in clocks!!!!"

I loved that Fez. I am still laughing. Going to borrow it for my pals with grandkid. They will love it. Thanks

A LITTLE POTTY?

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while.
Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy.. I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."
Mother says: "Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says: "works for tomato sauce."

Picture the scene just before last weeks derby....Uniteds dressing room minutes before the kick off and the Reds are about to get their team talk.

"Right lads I want 110% commitment from the start against this Blue S***!  Remember how the City b*******s did us on the anniversary of Munich and if you don't win those cockney f*****s at Chelsea will have 6 points on us as well.  Now I don't care if you kick, punch or headbut you way to victory but you must win this. Good luck."

Then Fergie walks in & says "Thanks ref, I'll take it from here."

A little old lady staggers into a sex shop & asks the assistant "dddddo yyyyou ssssell ppppink vvvibraters hhhhere?"

"Yes we do,would you like one " he replied.

"NNNO I wwant ttto ttturn itt offf.  

IS ENGLISH A STUPID LANGUAGE?

There is no egg in the eggplant,
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England,
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its paradoxes we find that:
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why hasn't the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?

Hardly worth the effort was it!

.

It looks fine Willow and gave me a chuckle. Keep up the good work.

I had a little twiddle and I think it seems right now. Perhaps I'm getting cleverer than I thought. Maybe I shall be telling you all how to do things soon.

I don't know why it has such big spaces round it. I shall have to find out how to remove them.

Older Women Are So Reasonable

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, '44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP  EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL". 

NOW I HAVE A$1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING   A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV. 

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.

This came over the Net from a friend of mine. Aren't I getting clever? Hope you like it.

I am afraid 4 bullets are nowhere near enough for the members of the ruling class I would like to dispose of before they put me away.

Anyway I thought that they had found a solution to the problem of too many people above retirement age by prescribing the polypill for them or Simvastatin.

ANOTHER LAUGH FROM TILLY. Do you think it should be introduced over here?

SENIOR HEALTH CARE
 
While discussing the under funding of Canada’s Health Care Program and the recently announced drastic cuts to British Columbia’s health care budget, especially for seniors, with a friend the other day, I think we have found the solution.
I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.
A new hip?  Unheard of! 
We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore.
You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. 
Let's take care of the young people.  After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.
 
So here is the solution:
When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets..... 

• You are allowed to shoot 2 Federal Conservative M.P.’s and 2 BC Liberal MLA’s. 

Of course, you will be sent
 
to prison where you will get 3 meals a day,
a roof over your head and
all the health care you need! 
New teeth?   Absolutely! 
Need glasses?  No problem!
New hip, knee, kidney, heart?  Well, bring it on! 
And who will be paying for all of this? 
The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care! 
And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax…

Now we're going to the World Cup here's a few gaffs from  John Motson or Motty as he's better known.

 And Seaman, just like a falling oak, manages to change direction.

Brazil - they're so good it's like they are running round the pitch playing with themselves.

I think this could be our best victory over Germany since the war.

'England versus Germany games have often caused the tea cups to topple off the table, so those of you at home watching tonight, be careful with the crockery.'

It looks like a one man show here, although there are two men involved.

Its Arsenal 0 - Everton 1, and the longer it stays like that the more you've got to fancy Everton. 

Nearly all the Brazilian supporters are wearing yellow shirts - it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour. 

Not the first half you might have expected, even though the score might suggest that it was.

That shot might not have been as good as it might have been. 

The goals made such a difference to the way this game went.

'This is the biggest thing that's happened in Athens since Homer put down his pen.'

The match has become quite unpredictable, but it still looks as though Arsenal will win the cup.

The World Cup is a truly International event.

'You can still buy tickets for knock-out games off the internet. That's if you know how to. I certainly don't.'

Here's another cracker from Tilly. Good on Yer! I think we all know a Mildred?

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business...
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. 

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's
only bar one after noon. 

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there 
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.  He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ..... walked home . . .and left it there all night!!!

(You gotta love Frank!)

Nice one, Tilly.

TILLY SENT US THIS ONE. It's a cracker tilly.

Meteorology - Australian Style

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia Asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.
He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'
The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

"I remember when I was a kid my mum would send me to the shops with 50p. I would get a chicken,2 pints of milk. a comic, six eggs and a pair of jeans. But you can't do that nowadays. B.....  CCTV."

A man tells his friend: ''I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!'' The friend says: ''Great trade!''

The great robbery

A burglary recently occurred at Newcastle United's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are now looking for a man with a black-and- white carpet.

Footie change

Q: How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the "Bulb Changing" commemorative t-shirt and one to drive the other two back to London.

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?'

A MAN arrived in Heaven,
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that
Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.
'Brown's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

"Here's that video of me playing well boss, the reason you said you bought me but I told you it come out in 99 not 2009!"

A recent England team training session was delayed for nearly two hours after one of the players happened to look down and notice a suspicious-looking white powdery substance at the end of the field. Coach Martin Johnson immediately suspended practice while the police were called in to investigate. After a thorough analysis, the police determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the try line. Practice was resumed when officials decided it was unlikely that the team would encounter the substance again.

AVOID DOING THIS DURING THE SWINE FLU OUTBREAK!

This is sporty too if you can figure it.

Man City - Madonna - Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars. Nice new home though.

Man United - Jordan - Dominated by boobs. Quite repulsive really.

Can the 59 year old hang on in todays golf and not choke?

Tom Watson Quote from his heyday.

A lot of guys who have never choked, have never been in the position to do so.

Q: Why did the golf player take an extra pair of pants when he went out on the golf course?

A: In case he got a hole in one.

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again and orders the specialty of the day. Again he is brought two very big balls on a plate. It tastes even better than the day before. On the third and the fourth days he gets the same, but on the fifth day they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks: "What gives?" The waiter says: "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win."

Picture flickr Reid Gilman

Hi Steve and Surferboy. This thing about Michael Jackson dying of heart arrest, I always assumed it was just another term for heart attack but apparantly not so. This from WebMD

In a cardiac arrest, the heart stops working properly. A cardiac arrest is not the same as a heart attack, but it can happen because of a heart attack, notes Douglas Zipes, MD, MACC, distinguished professor at Indiana University School of Medicine and past president of the American College of Cardiology.

Zipes explains that "cardiac arrest is a heart rhythm disturbance when the bottom chamber of the heart, the ventricles, beat an at extremely rapid rate -- 4 to 600 times a minute." 

MORE ABOUT ITHERE

And I bet surfer grinned as much as i did when he read the joke.

I see the conspiracy theories are already starting!

Steve T that was naughty especially on a site like ours seeing the cause of his death. I was a fan so I'll have to find some Aussie jokes t' get back at ye'.

After a while, it'll probably be safe to make jokes about Michael Jackson again, or at whatever revalations comes up after his death. Some remarked that they thought Jackson faked his death at first, a la the old Elvis conspiracy theories, before the news hit home.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Thanks Fez for the laugh.

Lawyers for Michael Jackson are saying that Michael is to be creamated & his plastic is to be saved & made into lookalike dolls so other boys get to play with him.

SMALL BOY  " Grandad why did the chicken cross the road?.

GRANDPA: "In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us."

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself

Have you heard about the scarecrow that won an award? He was out standing in his field.

How does Bill Gates get into his house? He uses windows.

A guy goes into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The barman says: "Sir, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says: "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The barman says "What do you have?" The guy says "50p"

This one for Steve T

An Australian backpacker walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager from the barmaid. She recognises his accent and they begin chatting. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place for sex. Although she is attracted to him, she declines. He then offers her £200. The waitress is also travelling the world and is short of funds, so she agrees. The next night he returns and orders another lager. Later in the evening, he offers her another £200 for her services. She is only too happy to agree. This goes on for five nights. On the sixth night the traveller comes in, orders a lager, and sits in the corner. Hoping to earn more cash in another night of passion, the waitress pulls up a seat, and asks him where's he's from. "Melbourne," the traveller replies. "So am I! What suburb in Melbourne?" she asks. "Glen Iris," he replies. "That's amazing," she says, "so am I! What street?" "Cameo Street, he replies. "This is unbelievable," she says. "What number?" "Number 20." "You are not going to believe this but I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know," the man replies. "Your father gave me £1,000 to give to you."

A man in his open top car was driving down the street with 20 penguins on the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is spotted driving down the street with the same 20 penguins in the back. He is stopped again by the same officer who says "Hey! I thought I told you to take them penguins to the zoo."

The man replies, "I did and they had a great time. Today I'm taking them to the movies!"

On a serious note visit our enviroment section for some latest news on penguin research.

Great joke Steve t. I've got to admit it took me a while to get it but when I did I couldn't stop grinning just like I am now.

Sorry Surfer your Bananas just don't zip up!

I hope the last bit was part of the joke Steve. Apparently it's not unusual for people to turn up at hospital with strange things stuck in strange places. I don't want to offend our readers so enough said!

A nurse doing allergy tests on a patient would write any positive reactions to the samples placed on their skin onto their hospital plastic wristbands. When picking up his wife from outpatients a the husband shouted in digust "Who saying my wife is BANANAS!"

I bought a roll on stick deoderant today, & having never used one read the directions. It said to remove cap & push up bottom, I can't see how it works but it makes my farts smell nice.I'm writing this in the Emergency Dept of the local hospital.

TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE

A lifelong supporter of the Labour party is lying on his death bed when he suddenly decides to join the Tory party. "But why?" asked his puzzled friend. "You're labour through and through. Why change now?" The man learned forward and explained: "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."

As part of the Government's crackdown on antisocial behaviour, police yesterday arrested two teenage troublemakers, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."  
"I don't believe you," replies Dolly. 
"It's true, no bull.

Mp's are now trying to claim more exhorbitant expenses to replace the House of Commons Speaker. Can't they just shout a little louder or get a cheap one from "Comet?"

Why did the Leprechaun wear two condoms?

To be sure, To be sure.

 whats for dinner?

cant eat pork...........swine flu

cant eat chicken..........bird flu

cant eat beef...........mad cow disease

cant eat eggs............salmonella

cant eat fish..............heavy metal poisoning in the water

cant eat fruit and veg....pestisides and herbisides

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

that leaves chocolate and ice-cream..

remember STRESSED spelled backwards is dessert

LABOUR MP'S MOTTO. BUY ONE GET ONE FREE!  

HOME-SWEET-HOME-SWEET-HOME

"CAPITAL GAINS, WHAT'S THAT?"

IF it tastes GOOD ....SPIT it out!!!!!!  Cardiologists Diet

  Ahh. .........Swine Flu.

 As the two friends wandered through the fields on their way home, Piglet grinned to himself, thinking how lucky he was to have a best friend like Pooh.

Pooh thought to himself "If the pig sneezes he's dead"

Streuth my PC just crashed and I lost a load of music I was downloading and wrecked my server site but I've just sorted it all out. My microsoft report said it was because it overloaded with two protection scans running at the same time. You can have too much!

Anyway, back to the jokes.

A guy goes to a marriage broker to find his perfect wife. " I have just the woman say's the broker and I can't understand why she's still on the books." She's pretty, a great cook, houseproud and as her own income."

"Yeah said the guy but is she any good in bed?" "Well going by past reports some clients said yes and others said no!"